Agents Gone Crazy
by The Anonymouse2
Summary: A series of (hopefully) funny one-shots about my OCs, Omega Four. In the story, Omega Four is a team of elite S.H.I.E.L.D. agents residing in the Helicarrier. Enjoy!
1. Milk Withdrawal

**Just a funny one-shot I wrote about my OC team, Omega Four. This is actually what happened when my siblings and I had to go without milk, so here goes nothing!**

"Fury!" A voice hissed. Nick Fury looked around, to find one of his agents crouched fearfully in the corner.  
"What's going on?" Commander Fury demanded. "Where are all the agents?"  
"Hiding." Was the whispered reply.  
"From what?!" Nick was getting rather annoyed.  
"Omega Four."

...

"Where's the milk?" Camo asked, peering into the Helicarrier's refrigerator.  
"We're out." Maria Hill replied, strolling into the room with a cup of steaming coffee in her hand.  
"Oh..." Camo said. "...OK..."

...

Professor sucked down a glass of half and half.  
"BLUGH!" She cried. "This tastes nothing like milk!"  
"How could Fury let his Helicarrier run out of milk?!" Captain Alpha exclaimed.  
Hotshot mumbled something through a mouthful of peppermint coffee creamer. Meanwhile, Camo was chugging a bottle of heavy whipping cream desperately.  
"Are you guys…" Agent Coulson poked his head into the room and all four of the agents whipped around to glare at him, various beverages momentarily forgotten.  
"...alright…?" Coulson slowly backed his head out of the doorway. The agents resumed their activities.

….

"Must...have...milk…" Camo stuttered, shaking in place, eyes twitching dangerously.  
"WHY?" Professor screamed, face down on the floor, banging her fists and feet like a three year old throwing a tantrum.  
"ARRGH!" Hotshot writhed on the floor. He sat up suddenly, mouth foaming.  
"He's gone feral!" Captain Alpha shrieked, throwing a coffee pot at Hotshot. In crashed into tiny pieces on the floor, oozing dark brown coffee. Hotshot bent down to lap it up, then spit it out disgustedly, shaking his head.  
"MUST HAVE MILK!" Camo repeated, louder.  
"YARR!" Hotshot launched himself at her, crazed.  
"I can handle this! I got my degree in werewolf hunting!"" Professor exclaimed, tackling Hotshot.  
"What?!" Captain Alpha yelled.  
A group of new agents strolled into the kitchen, laughing and talking. They stopped and stared at the scene. One of them dodged a can opener.  
"MMIIILLK!" Captain Alpha hollered, throwing random kitchen appliances around.  
"AARGH!"Camo repeatedly ran into the wall.  
The agents left. In the hall, they ran into some more agents.  
"Don't go in there." One of them warned, pointing at the kitchen.  
"Okay."  
…..

Soon, Camo, Professor, Captain Alpha, and Hotshot had left the kitchen. They ran around the Helicarrier, shrieking and throwing things, searching desperately for anything white and creamy. Hotshot pounced on anything that moved. By the time Nick Fury arrived from Avenger's Tower, the place was a war zone. Papers were everywhere, furniture was overturned, and coffee stained the floor.  
Suddenly, the director was tackled from above by a screaming figure who seemed to drop from the ceiling.  
"GET. US. MILK." Captain Alpha seethed, hands wrapped around Fury's throat.  
"Okay." Fury kicked the captain off and ran to the mini jets, grumbling.  
"Siri, where's the nearest convenience store?" He muttered into his phone, starting the engine.

…..

"MMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLKKKKKKKKKKK!" Camo yelled, tackling Nick Fury. Yanking the jug from his grasp, she waved it above her head, laughing maniacally.  
"It's all mine!"  
"Oh, no you don't!" Professor shrieked, trying to wrest it from Camo's grasp.  
"YYYYYYYYAARRRRRRRRR!" Hotshot screamed, trying to knock Camo off balance by hanging from her waist.  
"GIVE IT!" Captain Alpha joined Professor in trying to obtain the milk jug.  
"WAIT!" Camo cried. Everyone froze. "We might break the jug." Hotshot straightened, up, apparently sane.  
"EVERYBODY GRAB A CUP!" He hollered, running into the kitchen. Cheering, the others followed him.  
…..

A minute later, Omega Four was sitting quietly and peacefully in the middle of a messy kitchen. They each had a glass of milk in their hands, and were sipping placantly.  
"What in the world was that?!" Nick Fury stomped in, furious at the agent's behavior.  
"We love our milk." Camo replied happily.  
"Humph."


	2. The Cow Fiasco

**As requested by one person, a second chapter! I also wanted to write this really badly, hope you enjoy!**

"Do you remember the time that the Helicarrier ran out of milk?" Captain Alpha asked.  
Camo shuddered.  
"That should never happen again."  
"You know what would make sure we never ran out of milk?" Hotshot sang.  
"What?" Professor said.

...

"Hello, Director Fury." Captain Alpha walked up to Nick Fury. "May the rest of the team and I borrow your credit card?"  
"NO!" Nick cried. "Why would I let you guys have my credit card?!"  
"So we can buy a cow." Captain Alpha replied.  
"No. Way."  
"Okay..." Captain Alpha turned and whispered into his earpiece.  
"Time for plan B."

...

"Director Fury!" Camo called. "If you let us have your credit card, we'll give you a hundred dollars!"  
"If you had a hundred dollars, you wouldn't need my credit card."  
"Dangit..." Camo whispered. "Um...We'll let you have fresh milk from the cow when we get it!"  
"Don't you need to pasteurize it first?"  
"Um...yeah..." Camo pulled out a Sharpie and quickly scribbled on her arm.  
 _How do u pasterize mlk?_  
"No. You can't have my credit card."  
"Okay!" Camo stomped away. "Time for plan C." She murmured.

...

"NICK!" Professor stormed up to the Director. "If you don't give us your credit card, I'll set your Helicarrier on fire and it will crash and everyone on it will die painful deaths, including you!"  
"You live on the Helicarrier."  
"Dangit!" Professor kicked a table and yelled obscenities when she realized it was metal.

...

"Hey, Nick!" Hotshot skipped happily to Nick Fury. "Where's your wallet?"  
Nick Fury frowned and pulled it out of his pocket.  
"I keep it on my person at all times, so there's no way you're getting my credit card." He waved it tauntingly in front of Hotshot's face before tucking it back where it belonged.  
"Thank you!" In a flash, it seemed, a small plastic rectangle was in Hotshot's hand.  
"WHAT THE...!" Nick felt his pocket in bewilderment. "HOTSHOT!" He roared, taking chase.

...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Hotshot skidded to a stop, just barely avoiding running into Agent Coulson.  
"What are you doing?" Coulson asked.  
"Running."  
"From who?"  
"Director Fury."  
"Why?"  
"Cause he wouldn't give us his credit card so I stole it."  
"What would you do with his credit card?"  
"Buy a cow."  
"What...? Don't you guys have your own money?"  
Hotshot looked at him.  
"...No..."  
"Gotcha!" Nick Fury tackled Hotshot and nabbed his credit card back.  
"Dangit!" Hotshot cursed.

...

"Hey, Maria." Camo said sullenly as the agent walked in. All the members of Omega Four were sitting unhappily in the kitchen, each with a glass of milk.  
"What's wrong?" Captain Alpha suddenly perked up at her question.  
"Maria, are you nice?"  
"...Maybe...?" Maria was a little confused at the question.  
Hotshot nodded, catching on to what Captain Alpha was saying.  
"Can we borrow your credit card?"

...

"WHAT THE #$%?!" Nick Fury screamed. There was a cow in his office. It was eating his mission reports. He ran into the room next to his office. There was a cow in there. He ran into another room. There was a cow there too. He ran into the big area room thingy with all the computers. There were cows everywhere!"  
"WHY ARE THERE SO MANY COWS IN THIS COMPUTER ROOM THINGY?!" He shrieked. Camo strolled casually up to him.  
"Agent, what did you and your teammates do?!"  
Camo shook her head slowly.  
"You should have let us have your credit card. Then there'd only be one cow."  
"How did you get all these cows?!"  
"I'm sorry!" Maria Hill passed by, caught in a huge crowd of mooing cows.  
"Maria lent us her credit card!" Hotshot cheerfully poked his head in.  
Nick Fury face palmed and rubbed his tired forehead.  
"What am I going to do with all these cows?!"


	3. The Acorn Apocalypse

**Again, based on actual events. Phases One through Six are things that my actual school did. Except for the nut table, oddly enough.  
And literally no one at the school has a nut allergy.  
It sucks.  
Acorns are super fun to play with,**

"Alright, agents." Nick Fury folded his hands together and surveyed his employees. "I hereby call this meeting to order."

Camo looked around.

"Why are there only four people here at your 'S.H.I.E.L.D. Company meeting?'" She asked.

Nick Fury sighed.

"Because you four were the only ones that showed up. No one takes me seriously anymore."

"That's not true!" Captain Alpha said. "We still...wait...never mind."

Nick Fury sighed again.

"Anyway. To business." He cleared his throat and shuffled his pile of blank papers. It made him feel important.

"It has come to my attention that some of the agents in this organization have nut allergies…"

"Oh no." Professor interjected. "I know where this is heading."

"Excuse me?"

"Many many years ago, I was a child at school."

"Many many many MANY years ago…" Hotshot mumbled. Professor glared at him.

"Anyway. The situation was depressingly simple. Luckily I managed to talk to the school officials to nip the disaster in the bud. But if I hadn't…" Professor trailed off and shook her head.

"What happened?" Camo asked, confused.

Professor shook her head again.

"I made a series of posters about the best case scenario. It wasn't pretty." She reaches under the table and pulled out several large pieces of poster board.

"Let me explain…"

 **Professor's Twelve Step** **Best** **Case Scenario About When Officials Become Aware Of Nut Allergies (Or The Acorn Apocalypse)**

 _Phase One:_ The school became aware that some students had mild nut allergies.

 _Phase Two:_ The school created nut-free tables.

 _Phase Three:_ It was Fall, and the oak trees outside the school started producing acorns.

 _Phase Four:_ Acorns were on the ground.

 _Phase Five:_ The school sent out an email to all of the students titled 'Acorns On The Ground', telling them that many students had severe nut allergies...to the acorns.

 _Phase Six:_ The school hired men in bright yellow rubber suits to pick up the acorns with grabber-hand things and place them in garbage bags.

 _Phase Seven:_ The squirrels of the area were unable to obtain acorns for the winter.

 _Phase Eight:_ The squirrels starved to death.

 _Phase Nine:_ All squirrels become extinct.

 _Phase Ten:_ Squirrels were an important part of the food chain. Without them, the ecosystem completely collapses.

 _Phase Eleven:_ Without a healthy ecosystem to support it, the Earth succumbs to global warming.

 _Phase Twelve:_ Everyone dies.

"And that is why we cannot let the whole 'nut safe' thing get too out of hand! Or we will lose our squirrels, and then, our lives!" Professor finished.

Nick Fury face palmed.


End file.
